Old School Americana & Nostalgia


‘M*A*S*H’: Hawkeye’s Best Quotes

‘M*A*S*H’: Hawkeye’s Best Quotes

After watching M*A*S*H for all these years, you know that old Hawkeye gets off some great lines in the show. Officially, his name is Capt. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, played by Alan Alda. He seems to have the knack of coming up with pithy comments on the spot. Of course, some of these lines take their aim at his favorite foil, Major Frank Burns, played by Larry Linville.

But someone might catch him in the O.R., or Operating Room, and he’ll be on his game. With that said, let’s take a look at some of his best quotes. We’ll lead things off with an episode name, followed by the quote.

‘The Bus,’ Season 4

Frank says, “I can plug an ace of hearts at 50 feet.” Hawkeye says, “I’ll remember that if we’re ever attacked by a bridge club.”

‘Alcoholics Unanimous’, Season 3

“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”

‘I Hate a Mystery,’ Season 1

Henry (Lt. Col. Henry Blake, played by McLean Stevenson) says, “I assume you’ve all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.” Hawkeye says, “I would’ve read it, but the notice was stolen.”

‘Yankee Doodle Doctor,’ Season 1

“Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He’s got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That’s what it’s all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. (And) no ‘saints in surgical garb.’ Our willingness, our experience, and our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take a life than we do to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.”

‘Officer of the Day,’ Season 3

“I’m not sleeping, I’m inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”

‘Check-Up,’ Season 3

Hawkeye says, “Let’s make a pact about drinking.” Trapper John, played by Wayne Rogers, says, “All right.” Hawkeye says, “Let’s never stop.”

‘Radar’s Report,’ Season 2

Hawkeye says, “Great little war we have here.” Radar (played by Gary Burghoff) says, “I could do without it.”

‘Officer of the Day,’ Season 3

“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I’ll carry your books, I’ll carry a torch, (and) I’ll carry a tune, I’ll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I’ll even ‘hari-kari’ if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!”